Hello little Julius,

There are times I wake up and the first thing I do is rub my belly, knowing you’re in there. I’ve been curious about a few things:

1) When I dream do you dream the same thing?
2) When I get upset or get happy, do you feel the same thing?
3) Can you *really* tell when I’m not eating vegetables?
4) Will you grow up into an adult and still love me?
5) What if you hate me the way most kids hate their parents?
6) How do I show you I love you will still setting rules and boundaries?
7) How can I give you total freedom without worrying myself to death?
Will you have your father’s submissive personality or my dominant personality?
9) Will you ever regret being circumcised? Are we making the right decision? Will the pain affect you later in life?
10) Will you love art the way me and daddy do?

We love you so much. Every day comes more and more questions that can only be answered with time and patience. I must admit I often worry if I’ll be a good mother. I see parents all the time that anger me, upset me, and make me wish their children were taken away from them and put in foster care. I’ve seen parents yell at their kids, scream and raise their voice as if they have no idea how to properly discipline their kids without emotionally abusing them. Not to mention all the parents out there that actually don’t spend TIME with their kids. It riles me up from the inside when I see kids committing suicide because they have unsafe home lives and unsafe school environment due to a lack of social skills that SHOULD be taught by parents. Honey, I need you to know I am always on your side. It’s good to have allies in this world.

When I was a kid, I was rebellious a lot  because I didn’t like the rules set before me (can’t do this, can’t do that, can’t enjoy this, can’t enjoy that) and being punished only made me want to act worse. I truly believe children can be raised using positive reinforcement rather than punishment and without resorting to violence or yelling. To me, it’s important that I have peace of mind about your safety. And it’s equally important to me that you are happy and can enjoy the adventures life has to offer, not to mention the countless other values you’ll need like self-reliance, accountability, honor, and trust. Someone once told me that once you become a mother, you discover a new kind of love and your old life will never be the same. That person also said you’ll never intentionally hurt your child, but it will happen. I can’t tell you how much that has frustrated and upset me. I mean, isn’t it possible AT ALL to not hurt a child? Is it too much to ask that I want you to live pain free without suffering? Why must earth be a place with so much pain? Every day I have to remind myself that there is good in the world. Every day I have to try and look at people as though I love them. But the truth is, every time I open the door and go out to a department store, I see another naive mother yelling at her kids (and trust me, if I see her even raising her had to her child, you can bet I’d be calling child protective services in a heartbeat).

I discovered real, true love about three years ago. Before that, I had no idea what it really was. The funny thing is, even when you find out what true love is - you’ll still be going in loops and circles about what defines love and if the person who loves you hurts you, what then? Love is complicated. But I know one thing for sure. I have loved you before you were born. I love you so much it makes me want to smile, cry, die, live, scream, and dance. There are so many emotions wrapped up in my love for you it feels like ecstasy and terror all in one (which I could easily debate are the same thing).

Just remember that no matter what happens, there will be times I mess up. I beg, in advance, that you forgive me. One thing I’ve learned - especially when I recognize my own faults - is to ask for forgiveness. Your daddy taught me that without even telling me.

Love

Mommy