Hello lovely Julius,
The most common question I get asked these days is, “How does it feel to be a mom?” The answer can best be explained by an internal conversation I often have with nature. I’ll do my best to explain.
Earlier today you cried up a storm, so I took an office chair outside on the porch and listened to the rain with you in my arms. Listening to sounds of rain dancing between leaves of the trees to the ground soothed your cries and put you to sleep. I closed my eyes along with you to imagine how the rain must have sounded from your perspective. For a while there, it sounded like white noise. And from a higher consciousness point of view, it was out of this world. I can’t help but wonder if there is a possibility that maybe the reason rain calms you down is because you’ve heard it before. Humans were born with a desire to seek knowledge. We all have questions. When it comes to understanding life and how we were created, the answers have and will always be debated.
As you slept, I watched the squirrels climb the trees with their sharp fingernails. Then I watched the blank white, grey sky feed the earth with nutrients. Then at the little grass movements, sparkling randomly over the yard. Then at the green weeds spiraling beside the sidewalk. Then at the red cardinal perched on a bronze bar eating the birdseed. Then the Japanese oak tree that had a bug crawling on a fragile red leaf. And during those moments, I said thank you. I don’t know who or what god is. But I know that squirrels can climb. And that they learned it. And I know the sky has color. And it came from light. And I know that grass reacts to water droplets. And I know that all life is - is a chain reaction to something. And I know that life is resilient, even around concrete. And I know that birds are attracted to the smell of food just like the moon is attracted to our gravity. And I know that bugs learn to crawl on what is pleasing to them, regardless of culture or religion.
So I said thank you. And then I said thank you again. I said thank you to the urge that squirrels get to climb. I said thank you to the spectrum of light that comes from the sun millions of miles away to create color. I said thank you to the water for agreeing to leave the space within the gas of the clouds to land on the grass. I thanked the weeds for poking their heads and saying hello - for being resilient. Hello, I recognize you. I said thank you to the bird for co-existing on the porch with us without fear, aggression, or need to defend. I said thank you to the reason bugs learn to crawl, walk, and fly in the first place. It’s a constant progression, wanting to grow and move forward, to reach for the next step. And I kept saying thank you, to everyone, with great attention to a combination of spacetime and love for building the men who drove to work to build the bricks on the side of the house.
I don’t have to wonder if anyone heard my thanks. The fact that you are here and in my arms is more than enough proof for me. You are a miracle. One day I’m confident you’ll understand the odds - and will grow to have the same appreciation and awe that I do. The same way that scientists understand math is the same way I understand your existence. I grok a lot of it, and yet… that there are plenty of answers far beyond reach… all the more reason to keep us motivated to reach our arms forward. It is for this inate purpose that I believe all of us humans find time to take a moment to create a thought which leads to a crossroads where a choice is formed. From that choice comes a reflection and with growth, greater understanding of consequences and future chain reactions. The more knowledge we gain in life, the better informed our decisions because we have higher odds of predicting the most benefitial outcome for all involved. Choices lead to actions. We make a choice and our brain processes it. So when we decide to learn to crawl, it all starts with a thought. At this stage in your life, dear Julius, I suspect your thoughts are mostly about discovery and exploration. Choices and actions will come later.
Most of all, I thanked whoever or whatever… or however the maker of the sun and moon decides to understand those thoughts… could hear me… for bringing you into the world.
You were conceived out of love. And you were born amongst friends. The next time we go outside, let’s say hello to our new companions and plant a gift.
How does it feel for me to be a mom? It feels like discovering how grass grows EVERY time I look at you. We’re in this together, buddy. And I love every part of it, even the most challenging of moments.
I love you.
Above is a photo of you wearing your new outfit while hanging out on a Boppy Pillow! Be sure to say thank you to my cousin Cammie who gave you a pair of shoes and a gift card at Babys ‘R Us. I used the gift card to get these things for you and you REALLY seem to like them! The outfit can be worn for another two months which is great! Room to grow!
If you want to see more photos of you wearing this outfit, check out the “Boppy Pillow” photos in the photo gallery.
Love
Mom
