Hello little Julius,

I’m approximately 33 weeks pregnant, almost 8 and a half months. You kick so much these days, I love knowing you’re healthy and doing so well. Daddy and I are 99% physically prepared (we have all the furniture, clothes, necessities you will need) for your birth. Mentally I go back and forth. There are some days I want to hold you in my arms at that very moment. Other days I wonder if I’ll be a good mother and will you like me. My lifelong dream would be to have a beautiful organic relationship with you that is uplifting, positive, and inspirational. You are, and will always be, my miracle. I love you more than vocabulary.

Here are some recent photos of me. Right now I’m visiting Chicago and checking out the sights, with you in tow! Sometimes I wonder if you’re experiencing what I am, or if you can see the buildings I see!

And here are some belly shots - that’s all you baby!

Love
Mommy

Hello little Julius,

There are times I wake up and the first thing I do is rub my belly, knowing you’re in there. I’ve been curious about a few things:

1) When I dream do you dream the same thing?
2) When I get upset or get happy, do you feel the same thing?
3) Can you *really* tell when I’m not eating vegetables?
4) Will you grow up into an adult and still love me?
5) What if you hate me the way most kids hate their parents?
6) How do I show you I love you will still setting rules and boundaries?
7) How can I give you total freedom without worrying myself to death?
Will you have your father’s submissive personality or my dominant personality?
9) Will you ever regret being circumcised? Are we making the right decision? Will the pain affect you later in life?
10) Will you love art the way me and daddy do?

We love you so much. Every day comes more and more questions that can only be answered with time and patience. I must admit I often worry if I’ll be a good mother. I see parents all the time that anger me, upset me, and make me wish their children were taken away from them and put in foster care. I’ve seen parents yell at their kids, scream and raise their voice as if they have no idea how to properly discipline their kids without emotionally abusing them. Not to mention all the parents out there that actually don’t spend TIME with their kids. It riles me up from the inside when I see kids committing suicide because they have unsafe home lives and unsafe school environment due to a lack of social skills that SHOULD be taught by parents. Honey, I need you to know I am always on your side. It’s good to have allies in this world.

When I was a kid, I was rebellious a lot  because I didn’t like the rules set before me (can’t do this, can’t do that, can’t enjoy this, can’t enjoy that) and being punished only made me want to act worse. I truly believe children can be raised using positive reinforcement rather than punishment and without resorting to violence or yelling. To me, it’s important that I have peace of mind about your safety. And it’s equally important to me that you are happy and can enjoy the adventures life has to offer, not to mention the countless other values you’ll need like self-reliance, accountability, honor, and trust. Someone once told me that once you become a mother, you discover a new kind of love and your old life will never be the same. That person also said you’ll never intentionally hurt your child, but it will happen. I can’t tell you how much that has frustrated and upset me. I mean, isn’t it possible AT ALL to not hurt a child? Is it too much to ask that I want you to live pain free without suffering? Why must earth be a place with so much pain? Every day I have to remind myself that there is good in the world. Every day I have to try and look at people as though I love them. But the truth is, every time I open the door and go out to a department store, I see another naive mother yelling at her kids (and trust me, if I see her even raising her had to her child, you can bet I’d be calling child protective services in a heartbeat).

I discovered real, true love about three years ago. Before that, I had no idea what it really was. The funny thing is, even when you find out what true love is - you’ll still be going in loops and circles about what defines love and if the person who loves you hurts you, what then? Love is complicated. But I know one thing for sure. I have loved you before you were born. I love you so much it makes me want to smile, cry, die, live, scream, and dance. There are so many emotions wrapped up in my love for you it feels like ecstasy and terror all in one (which I could easily debate are the same thing).

Just remember that no matter what happens, there will be times I mess up. I beg, in advance, that you forgive me. One thing I’ve learned - especially when I recognize my own faults - is to ask for forgiveness. Your daddy taught me that without even telling me.

Love

Mommy

Hello Julius,

Our latest ultrasound shows you are perfectly healthy which makes me happy Everything is forming exactly as they should be. Your bones are growing strong! I love it

Your daddy has been the biggest supporter of you. He sometimes sees me in pain and he often offers to carry you in HIS belly if he could. He’s so sweet. He comes to every ultrasound, every doctor’s appointment, everything. He helps pick out your clothes and your baby furniture. Trust me, sometimes I think your daddy is more pregnant than me! He cooks and cleans and anytime I have a craving, even if it’s 4 in the morning - he offers to get it.

I think your daddy gets his behavior from HIS daddy because I see similarities in the two of them. They’re both so giving and kind. I can’t WAIT for you to meet your father. Maybe in some ways, you’ve already met him. He rubs my belly and talks to you. When I burp, he says, “Julius…” lol yeah you get the blame when I burp these days. hehe.

You are our little precious. It will be a beautiful day when we hold you in our arms for the first time. Oh I hope I hope I hope when we get to see your little eyes that they’ll look back at us with love.

Love
Mommy

Hi Julius,

Wanna see pictures of mommy’s new dreads? Here they are :

Daddy took this photo of me at the dinner table reading a book about black holes and astronomy:

Love
Mommy

Wow Julius, you’ve been kicking a lot! Sometimes Daddy rubs my belly and can feel you kicking!

I jokingly asked your father, “So how do you know it’s a baby and I’m not just having gas?” And he said, “Are you kidding? You can’t feel gas do that! Every time I feel him kicking, they’re sharp, apparent kicks.”

So here’s a list of stuff I’ve been experiencing during pregnancy:

1) Hiccups, hiccups, hiccups
2) Burping
3) Farting
4) Heartburn
5) Headaches
6) Morning sickness (still)
7) 70+ pounds weight gain
Can’t sleep on back or belly anymore (sad)
9) Sore nipples
10) eh… lots of stuff you don’t want to know about

The good news is that I feel you kicking stronger and stronger every day so we know you’re in there! This is very exciting! Daddy jokingly wanted to rename you “Dungeon Dangler” instead of “Julius Dior.” Maybe when you’re older, we’ll explain why.

Love
Mommy

Hi Julius,

Your daddy and I are visiting Virginia right now to see his family. Your grandmother (on your daddy’s side) has saved us lots of baby boy clothes that were passed down by your aunt Ebony. We have sooo many clothes and a lot of them are new or hardly worn at all. None of them look “worn” and none of them have stains or any icky stuff. They look brand new if you ask me! And we have nearly 2 or 3 giant trunks full of them now! We have so many cool clothes for when you’re really young and even up to a year old. We’ll still need more of course, but it feels so nice to have all these. It will save us a lot of money! There are so many things we need to prepare for your arrival, but at least we’ve got the basics.

I’m now 22 weeks pregnant with you. You’ve been kicking and kicking and kicking. Most of the time you kick when I’m hungry and SHOULD be eating. And you also kick whenever I’m just resting on my back with my head propped up on a few pillows. When I’m in that position, both me and daddy can feel you kick kick kicking!

You also kick when I’m “picking on” daddy and joking with him. You usually kick at the EXACT moment that the punchline gets delivered. It’s sooo funny. I’ll say to daddy, “Even Julius agrees with me! He’s kicking!”

Love
Mommy

Julius,
Topics I can’t wait to discuss with you:

Astronomy
Shamanism
Theology
Psychology
Philosophy
Physics

My hope is that no matter what happens throughout our lives, you feel you can always express how you feel on any of these subjects. The important thing is that we always keep an open mind and always remember that no one has the right or the only answer. There are theories to everything! One thing I have learned is that for everything I believe in, there is always someone else in the world who believes the exact opposite. It’s important to not be swayed by friends and family, but by your own internal beliefs in what feels right for YOU. I’ll never enforce any belief on you or surround you by people who enforce theirs either. When the time is right, you’ll know what sits right with your spirit.

I’ve often heard it expressed that talking about people is boring, talking about events is slightly better, but talking about IDEAS is the reason we’re on the Earth.

Love
Mommy

Hey Julius!
Your daddy and I have been working very hard on your baby room! We spent nearly a week painting the walls a pearlescent blue color with lots of texture (lots of coats) and washes. I loved painting the clouds! Daddy assembled the crib and I assembled the changing table. Here’s a sneak peak at your nursery! We’ll be adding more later as time goes on. The room is actually bigger than this photo, I just didn’t have the wide-angle lens on the camera. (The phone and cord in the room are only temporary and won’t actually be in there when you’re born.)

Love
Mommy

Good afternoon, Julius!
You’re now 19 weeks old and getting bigger and bigger! Hair on your scalp is sprouting this week. Your kidneys are producing more and more urine. You’re bigger than a large tomato and approx. 8.5 ounces.

Want to know more about what you’re body is doing right now? Read here!

Love
Mommy

Julius,
Good morning, love. I feel you moving so I know you can hear me! How are you, my precious? Are you getting enough healthy nutrients? Are you tripping on cool shapes and patterns in your dreams? Does it feel like you’re swimming in deep space? Sometimes I feel like the two of us are deeply connected and we can speak to each other. I love that you’re inside my body. I’ve waited over 9 years for this moment and it means so much that you’re here.

So wanna know what mommy’s going through?

When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is usually, “My bladder woke me up again?!” And then I spend a minute lying in bed wondering how much effort it would take to get out from under the warm covers, walk to the bathroom, pee, then how hard it might be to fall back asleep. The bladder always wins. So by the time I actually REALLY wake up in the day, I’ve actually already woken up three different times to go to the bathroom. I pee ALL the time, thanks to you - which means everything is going smoothly. Wow, now that I think about it… I actually have to go right now. Hang on….

Ok I’m back. Much better.

Also, I’ve got heartburn. Really bad. It hurts, even right now. And I’m drinking lots and lots and lots of water. I take a couple Tums when it gets really painful, but it doesn’t seem to do much. I’ve tried sleeping in many different ways and it still hurts. All the pregnancy sites I’ve been to say it’s normal at this stage. I’ve rarely in my life had a problem with heartburn so this is really new to me.

I’m still throwing up. Yeah, it isn’t pretty, baby. I have the scent of a dog which means I can sniff something from miles away and can tell you what it is and how long it’s been there. 99% of the time, the reason I puke is because I’ve smelled food of some sort. It’s ridiculous. It’s been that way for almost 5 months now. Just yesterday, I made the mistake of getting in the SUV with your daddy (he drove) without eating breakfast first (it was around 11am and I had only been awake for half an hour). We were on our way to a restaurant to get some food and all of the motion in the vehicle and the thought of having an empty stomach (yes, just the thought), made me sick to my stomach. I had to puke but the trash can was in the trunk! The trunk! (What’s it doing THERE?!) So I leaned toward the backseat to find something to throw up in, which was a canvas recyclable Bloomingfoods bag - which unfortunately for me contained bad smelling leftover food in tupperware containers from the night before. The smell alone made me nauseus but I felt if I puked in the bag, I’d smell it which would make it worse. I missed the bag. It was humiliating. It got on my clothes, my pants, the floor, the seat. Your daddy swerved the car over to a nearby parking lot from being at a green light and jerked the car to a stop (which made me puke another 3 or 4 times) and he opened the trunk to get the trash can. By then it was too late. I was a big yellow mess. We drove home and I got changed, cleaned the car… and ate a nutrigrain bar. Now I’m in the habit of keeping little healthy snacks in my purse all the time.

My back hurts all the time. Really. It’s like a mass murderer is stabbing my tailbone. It’s not your fault, it’s cause of all this weight I’ve put on. Unfortunately, I can’t diet or exercise more than now… so I’m going to have to endure another 4 or 5 months. I’ve been to a chiropractor… tried sleeping in different ways. Tried stretching, exercising, rotating, bending, you name it. The only thing that helps was the time I slept on a Sleep Number bed (setting 25) at a hotel. Oh my goodness. That bed actually healed my back for a few days! Remind me to get one of those if I ever get enough money!

Headaches and migraines. You’d laugh at me if you knew how many bottles of Tylenol I’ve had to buy.

Sneezing. I sneeze ALL the time now and when I do, it literally takes over my whole body. I have to grab my belly every time I sneeze because I feel it, even there.

Burping. Farting. Hiccups. Man, I’m like a walking time machine with excess everything. I feel unattractive most of the time, but I keep telling myself, “I’m pregnant! This happens!”

I love you so much, Julius. I’d go through all this a thousand times for you.

And just so you know, Daddy loves you too. He pets my belly almost every night and spends about a half an hour talking to you. Last night he spent quite a bit of time telling you how badly he can’t wait to play tennis with you!

Love
Mommy